Selfish selflessness

One of the things friends of the addicted seem to miss from time to time is the great lengths the addict must go to to take care of themselves. It often can be mistaken as a vain sort of selfishness. There is a certain selfish component to the work of recovery, because recovery is for the addict. The changed effects will come in time to friends, family, and beyond, but while the addict is in recovery, it's all about the addict. 

Is this a bad thing? Absolutely not. While the person is going through a life changing recovery experience, it's important to not intentionally hurt others on the way, but failing to recognize the patterns that got the addict to where they were in the first place and failing to address the need for a positive way to cope with the stressors of life will only lead to relapse and further isolation from friends. 

It is a holy prospect to be a person for others, a selfless person, a giving person. It is also an ancient dictum that one can't give what one doesn't have. If there is no positive and healthy way to recharge from an addiction triggering event, then there is only the substance to go, since it is easy, gives immediate pleasure, satifsfies the craving for the moment, and and promises to be there when the next trigger comes. The addict forgets the worthy calling of selflessness, and replaces any real human connection with an object. The addict might even make others their objects, rather than subjects to be served and loved. 

What is needed is a certain amount of self-love in order to serve others in love. If  one loves oneself, one can love others. The visible form that this takes can look like selfishness from the outside at times. Taking time for heathy ways of distressing: going to the gym, getting a massage, vacationing at a beach, setting aside a set prayer time, having a nice evening out with friends...these are sometimes necessary components of good recovery. 

When those in professions that serve others, as in my case being a clergy member, begin to take care of themselves, they may face a small amount of criticism from time to time, but at the end of the day they are happier and better able to serve with joy. When that person is an addict, it's all the more important that time is given for this emotional, psychological, spiritual, ans physical recharge. 

So, to those seeking some good advice today, treat yourself with something other than the addictive substance. Reawaken your senses, clear your mind, relax! You have permission to take care of yourself. Forget what others may say, this is important for your recovery! You will be more available for others because you love yourself. 

Memento Mori

Memento Mori, remember your death. This is the classical idea of keeping in mind the fleeting nature of life, the vanities which accompany it, and the responsibility we have to make use of what is given to us while we have it. In the lives of addicts it can be summoned by thinking of the lowest point we've hit, the "rock bottom", or the impending death which will occur if we keep on the current path of substance abuse.

For Christians, the month of November is marked with this sort of character of mortal remembrance, not only because of the nature of the season as the leaves fall and the cold of approaching winter starts to sneak in, but because we begin to pray for the souls of our faithful departed. November 1st, All Saints Day, and November 2nd, All Soul's Day, recall both the eternal destination we share and the brevity of our life here on earth. We remember our beloved dead, and we pray that they enjoy the peace of the kingdom. We remember, by our faith and hope in the paschal mystery, that we have a responsibility to act out of that same faith for the good of our brothers and sisters, so as to merit an everlasting share with the saints in Christ. We remember our Lord's call to do unto the least of his brethren what we would do unto him. We prepare ourselves for selfless acts of caring during this cold season, and give thanks for the many blessings that are bestowed upon us.

I am so blessed to have hit 170lbs of loss since last October! This is indeed a great reminder of the personal sacrifice that is needed to attain victory. It is not without struggles and moments like what is mentioned above. Two weeks ago while on retreat I began to feel what I suspected was a bad case of indigestion. Since it was accompanied by a certain weakness and lightheadedness, I began to feel anxious about it. Nevertheless I continued to workout daily, experiencing minor discomfort. By last Thursday when the pain was peaking, and knowing I had a heart condition, I decided that I needed to get checked out. I waited one more day before I went into the hospital. My sister drove me to the ER late on Halloween night.

I am very grateful to a brother priest for coming out at midnight to anoint me. He is an example of that selfless caring that is expected of us. Although I knew I was in the Lord's hands, I spent the rest of the night anxious to know if my heart was ok from all the efforts of diet and exercise. I couldn't help but think to myself, "this is only because of two things: the damage you did to yourself in gaining all the weight, and perhaps you are overworking your body now." I was beating myself up on two fronts. Luckily the antics of Halloween at the ER made for some fun comical relief. I think I laughed with my sister so much the training nurses thought I was having several heart issues. All was made well when the doctors determined I had a normal EKG, I had no blood clots, and there was no life threatening danger. Thank God!

It's those moments where you think your life may be in danger, though, that put things into perspective. Am I right with God? Am I doing what I need to do for myself? Will I be able to keep doing what I am doing to be healthy? I don't know what I would do if I had to stop exercising! Until I have a cardiac stress test on Tuesday, I probably won't be 100% assured of this. But then, none of us are 100% sure we are going to make it through the day. We know not the day nor the hour!

I got the courage to go to the gym last night and try out the elliptical again. I just did a half an hour, and it felt good to be up there. I still have the chest discomfort, and I'm more and more convinced it's a gastrointestinal issue. I said my weekend Masses with a renewed sense of confidence. God is definitely in control of this. I need to remember that I have to resign myself to his will. None of us have complete power over our own lives. All I've found is that Christ is the way, the truth, and the life.

A bruised reed he shall not break - Is 42:3

A bruised reed he shall not break, and a smoldering wick he shall not quench. -Isaiah 42:3

I first meditated with this passage during my silent retreat prior to being ordained a priest. These are words from the great prophet Isaiah speaking about a merciful God who does not condemn us when we are down, but rather desires that we come to healing. God sees the saint that we are supposed to become. He wants us to be whole. 

This is so important in the realm of human relationships as it relates to people caught in addiction. I am a person who has been the bruised reed and the smoldering wick. I am glad that the Lord was merciful to me and helped me to find healing. In my short time as a priest I have encountered many examples of people who have turned their lives around and are now shining examples of God's grace and power. Yet it all could have been different: "but for the grace of God go I."

The point is that God is the merciful one, and we do not naturally have this instinct as humans. We don't see the point of keeping a bruised reed or letting the smoke of a smoldering wick continue to stink up the room. We naturally want to finish the job and break the reed, or put out the wick altogether. And we must realize that we're talking about people who are bruised and left completely powerless. Perhaps they have hurt us or we cannot endure the effects of their addictions. This is why naturally we flee from wanting to aid them in recovery. 

Perhaps it's coming from the perspective of being changed by God that I don't look at people from a natural perspective anymore. If I see someone who is struggling, I strive to see the potential recovered person who will be happy and who will impact others by their own journey. At times this has even cost me friendships, because there is this tension between wanting to be done with someone and seeing the potential recovery. Just being associated with a bruised reed can sometimes cause others to want to snap you as well.

The problem can occur that some of the bruised reeds are constitutionally incapable of being honest. The big book calls these people "unfortunates". It may not be their fault, but without this important quality of honesty, a bruised reed will not find healing.

This is because the way that God encounters us addicts is through a simple submission to the reality that we are bruised, and the power to remain abstinate that he gives to us through a fellowship and prayer. Without the ability to recognize the brokenness, we cannot fully give ourselves to the one that can restore us. 

May us smoldering wicks find the flame of God! May we find that we cannot burn alone. May we find that we can do together what we cannot do for ourselves. Through our honest acceptance of our powerlessness, may we find the power to live a happy and abstinate life one day at a time! 

Crossing a threshold, flying free

A little over a week ago, I was privileged to take a vacation to a spot that I had gone to shortly before I began piling on the weight a couple of years ago. I met some really amazing friends there, whom I've stayed in contact with throughout the ups and downs. When they desired to return to that resort this year, I hesitated at first, but realized I needed a good vacation to celebrate my accomplishments. 

I knew going to an all inclusive resort just before my one year anniversary of entering Guest House would present its challenges towards making my weight loss goal of being under 300lbs by Oct 22nd. I would be in the presence of buffet style meals and unlimited trips to the bar. I would need to stay in contact with my sponsor and stay active.

So I jumped and booked the trip. I am so thankful I did. I lived and loved life on the trip. I made some great new friends, had some fun partying, snorkeled, danced like the Latino that I am, and kept my food in check. 

I also met some people who encouraged me to do what I never thought I would do when I first went to the resort years ago. I climbed a ladder, stepped onto a tiny platform, and I jumped...I flew on the trapeze...twice! 

Upon returning from that lively and relaxing vacation, I stepped on the scale. I thought I had lost weight on vacation from being so active. To my dismay I was 2lbs heavier. I chalked it up to maybe not being so conscious of my tracking on the last day and a half of my trip. But then weight started to pile on the next two days without any change in my diet or exercise. Suddenly the scale was reading 8-10lbs heavier. I realized then that the thyroid medication that I had ran out of 2 days into my trip was now having a hard time reintegrating. 

By taking my calories down the next couple days and making sure I was on track in the gym, the weight started falling off again. But let me say, I was a bit depressed, obsessed with the scale, body image things started to creep up again. I needed a meeting with my sponsor to put things into perspective. I'm so glad I did. 

Thank God, today, just before my anniversary, the scale reads 299!!! I am 165lbs lighter than a year ago. No surgeries, only lots of grace, therapy, support, tracking food, and hitting the gym, swimming, climbing mountains, running 5k's, spinning, and yes, swinging on the trapeze!!!

Big E success!

I was joking with my friends that there should be an ambassador of health for the Big E. Someone was like, you should write a blog about losing weight at the fair. For those of you who don't know, the Big E is the largest fair in the Northeast, and is held every September here in West Springfield. 

The crazy amounts of food can be overwhelming to anyone, from the Big E creampuffs to the deep fried whatever you can think of. If you aren't paying attention, I think anyone instantly gains a pound when they walk in the gate. But, that's if you're not paying attention! 

The truth is, this food addict made it through the Big E season without gaining a pound! Here's the breakdown:

1. I walked pretty much 15000-20000 steps a day each time I went to the Big E. And I went probably 5-6 times this year. 

2. I completely avoided trigger foods. I had to say goodbye to the famous cheese curds and the buckets of wings. 

3. I logged all my food. This can be hard at the fair, but it's a must. Today we celebrate St Jerome who said Ignorance of Scripture is ignorance of Christ. Well, ignorance of what you're eating is ignorance of how to lose weight. 

4. On days in which I may have overindulgence, say at the V-One tent---shout out to my good friend Paul Kozub---the next day was followed with a cleanse of sorts, and increased cardio at the gym. 

5. I began taking spinning classes. 45 minutes and 15-19 miles on a bike = bingo. 

6. I had fun. 

The Big E was a huge success this year. And even though some of the days I feel like I'm plateauing, I have to remember that in September I've lost 15 pounds l, 5 lbs more than the 10 pound per month average as of late. That is a huge success for me!

I want to thank Mr Cassidy and the Big E staff for allowing me to say Mass under the Big Top of the Big E Circus this year. It was an experience I hope to repeat next year. They taught us in seminary that the priest is not a ringmaster at the circus. Well, not all things you learn in seminary pan out in ministry!!!! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Jesus was made present under a several story high daredevil motorcycle rig. Pretty darn cool. 

Dropping the Rock

On my trip to Guest House it was impressed upon us that the 6th and 7th steps are really important milestones of recovery that we should be accomplishing about 6 months outside of treatment. 

Step 6: Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Step 7: Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

For me, I've been stuck on these steps for months. I have so many resentments that I harbor. Yes, I can bring them to confession, yes I can talk about them with people that I trust. But it is so hard psychologically to let go of the weight of what others have done to you when they themselves are in no position to make amends or deal with their own character defects. 

The image was given to us of a swimmer coming to shore, but this swimmer is carrying a gigantic rock. This rock symbolizes all the character defects and resentments one is carrying. Because of the weight it is nearly impossible for the swimmer to swim to shore. In fact the swimmer is exhausted and might even start to sink. The thing is, intuitively the swimmer knows the right thing to do is let go of it, but he or she just keeps holding on, is if it's a life preserver. All the swimmer needs to do is drop the rock. 

Of course, steps 6 and 7 involve a power greater than ourselves which can help us to do that. At the end of the day, I can run to the cross for my strength. I need to becoming willing to let God do what I cannot do for myself. Maybe I can't drop these resentments on my own. God, help me drop the rock! 

Triumphant return to Minnesota

Last week I was able to return to Guest House for a sixth month continuing care retreat. Let's say the return was triumphant. I made my 50lbs weight loss goal since leaving Guest House, and weighed in at the RAC at 311, -153lbs lighter than when I began there Oct 22nd of last year. 

I was filled with emotion as I met other guest house alums, and we marveled mutually at our transformations. I am so inspired by my brothers. The retreat was focused on the dangers of relapse and fully entering into the 12 steps. The danger is real, as some of us have really struggled. It is great to take this moment and reevaluate some of my behaviors so as to give my recovery the greatest chance of success. 

It is sad to see Guest House shut down in Rochester. There are some significant challenges it faces ahead in its transition to Michigan. The administration has asked me to make some recommendations for the food addiction program, as they have the opportunity to craft a new program in a new location. I am happy to see the number of Damascus clients growing. Dioceses are becoming aware of the needs of their priests for recovery from compulsive eating and for weight loss. I believe it will be incumbent on the program to integrate these key aspects of recovery. 

I was very sad to leave the RAC. I likely won't be returning to Rochester, unless it is for my 12 step community, to which I owe a debt of gratitude. I hope I can stay in touch with my trainers and friends in recovery. I just wish I could transport it all to Massachusetts. 

Returning to Springfield is hard, but I am motivated to keep up my recovery here. I want to lose another 80lbs by June 2nd. I'm going to need to hunker down and focus on cutting out extra calories. With the Big e and with a great harvest season ahead, it should prove a bit of a challenge. Staying strong in the grace of God, and with my support system. I will always remember Minnesota.