Memento Mori

Memento Mori, remember your death. This is the classical idea of keeping in mind the fleeting nature of life, the vanities which accompany it, and the responsibility we have to make use of what is given to us while we have it. In the lives of addicts it can be summoned by thinking of the lowest point we've hit, the "rock bottom", or the impending death which will occur if we keep on the current path of substance abuse.

For Christians, the month of November is marked with this sort of character of mortal remembrance, not only because of the nature of the season as the leaves fall and the cold of approaching winter starts to sneak in, but because we begin to pray for the souls of our faithful departed. November 1st, All Saints Day, and November 2nd, All Soul's Day, recall both the eternal destination we share and the brevity of our life here on earth. We remember our beloved dead, and we pray that they enjoy the peace of the kingdom. We remember, by our faith and hope in the paschal mystery, that we have a responsibility to act out of that same faith for the good of our brothers and sisters, so as to merit an everlasting share with the saints in Christ. We remember our Lord's call to do unto the least of his brethren what we would do unto him. We prepare ourselves for selfless acts of caring during this cold season, and give thanks for the many blessings that are bestowed upon us.

I am so blessed to have hit 170lbs of loss since last October! This is indeed a great reminder of the personal sacrifice that is needed to attain victory. It is not without struggles and moments like what is mentioned above. Two weeks ago while on retreat I began to feel what I suspected was a bad case of indigestion. Since it was accompanied by a certain weakness and lightheadedness, I began to feel anxious about it. Nevertheless I continued to workout daily, experiencing minor discomfort. By last Thursday when the pain was peaking, and knowing I had a heart condition, I decided that I needed to get checked out. I waited one more day before I went into the hospital. My sister drove me to the ER late on Halloween night.

I am very grateful to a brother priest for coming out at midnight to anoint me. He is an example of that selfless caring that is expected of us. Although I knew I was in the Lord's hands, I spent the rest of the night anxious to know if my heart was ok from all the efforts of diet and exercise. I couldn't help but think to myself, "this is only because of two things: the damage you did to yourself in gaining all the weight, and perhaps you are overworking your body now." I was beating myself up on two fronts. Luckily the antics of Halloween at the ER made for some fun comical relief. I think I laughed with my sister so much the training nurses thought I was having several heart issues. All was made well when the doctors determined I had a normal EKG, I had no blood clots, and there was no life threatening danger. Thank God!

It's those moments where you think your life may be in danger, though, that put things into perspective. Am I right with God? Am I doing what I need to do for myself? Will I be able to keep doing what I am doing to be healthy? I don't know what I would do if I had to stop exercising! Until I have a cardiac stress test on Tuesday, I probably won't be 100% assured of this. But then, none of us are 100% sure we are going to make it through the day. We know not the day nor the hour!

I got the courage to go to the gym last night and try out the elliptical again. I just did a half an hour, and it felt good to be up there. I still have the chest discomfort, and I'm more and more convinced it's a gastrointestinal issue. I said my weekend Masses with a renewed sense of confidence. God is definitely in control of this. I need to remember that I have to resign myself to his will. None of us have complete power over our own lives. All I've found is that Christ is the way, the truth, and the life.