A bruised reed he shall not break - Is 42:3

A bruised reed he shall not break, and a smoldering wick he shall not quench. -Isaiah 42:3

I first meditated with this passage during my silent retreat prior to being ordained a priest. These are words from the great prophet Isaiah speaking about a merciful God who does not condemn us when we are down, but rather desires that we come to healing. God sees the saint that we are supposed to become. He wants us to be whole. 

This is so important in the realm of human relationships as it relates to people caught in addiction. I am a person who has been the bruised reed and the smoldering wick. I am glad that the Lord was merciful to me and helped me to find healing. In my short time as a priest I have encountered many examples of people who have turned their lives around and are now shining examples of God's grace and power. Yet it all could have been different: "but for the grace of God go I."

The point is that God is the merciful one, and we do not naturally have this instinct as humans. We don't see the point of keeping a bruised reed or letting the smoke of a smoldering wick continue to stink up the room. We naturally want to finish the job and break the reed, or put out the wick altogether. And we must realize that we're talking about people who are bruised and left completely powerless. Perhaps they have hurt us or we cannot endure the effects of their addictions. This is why naturally we flee from wanting to aid them in recovery. 

Perhaps it's coming from the perspective of being changed by God that I don't look at people from a natural perspective anymore. If I see someone who is struggling, I strive to see the potential recovered person who will be happy and who will impact others by their own journey. At times this has even cost me friendships, because there is this tension between wanting to be done with someone and seeing the potential recovery. Just being associated with a bruised reed can sometimes cause others to want to snap you as well.

The problem can occur that some of the bruised reeds are constitutionally incapable of being honest. The big book calls these people "unfortunates". It may not be their fault, but without this important quality of honesty, a bruised reed will not find healing.

This is because the way that God encounters us addicts is through a simple submission to the reality that we are bruised, and the power to remain abstinate that he gives to us through a fellowship and prayer. Without the ability to recognize the brokenness, we cannot fully give ourselves to the one that can restore us. 

May us smoldering wicks find the flame of God! May we find that we cannot burn alone. May we find that we can do together what we cannot do for ourselves. Through our honest acceptance of our powerlessness, may we find the power to live a happy and abstinate life one day at a time! 

Crossing a threshold, flying free

A little over a week ago, I was privileged to take a vacation to a spot that I had gone to shortly before I began piling on the weight a couple of years ago. I met some really amazing friends there, whom I've stayed in contact with throughout the ups and downs. When they desired to return to that resort this year, I hesitated at first, but realized I needed a good vacation to celebrate my accomplishments. 

I knew going to an all inclusive resort just before my one year anniversary of entering Guest House would present its challenges towards making my weight loss goal of being under 300lbs by Oct 22nd. I would be in the presence of buffet style meals and unlimited trips to the bar. I would need to stay in contact with my sponsor and stay active.

So I jumped and booked the trip. I am so thankful I did. I lived and loved life on the trip. I made some great new friends, had some fun partying, snorkeled, danced like the Latino that I am, and kept my food in check. 

I also met some people who encouraged me to do what I never thought I would do when I first went to the resort years ago. I climbed a ladder, stepped onto a tiny platform, and I jumped...I flew on the trapeze...twice! 

Upon returning from that lively and relaxing vacation, I stepped on the scale. I thought I had lost weight on vacation from being so active. To my dismay I was 2lbs heavier. I chalked it up to maybe not being so conscious of my tracking on the last day and a half of my trip. But then weight started to pile on the next two days without any change in my diet or exercise. Suddenly the scale was reading 8-10lbs heavier. I realized then that the thyroid medication that I had ran out of 2 days into my trip was now having a hard time reintegrating. 

By taking my calories down the next couple days and making sure I was on track in the gym, the weight started falling off again. But let me say, I was a bit depressed, obsessed with the scale, body image things started to creep up again. I needed a meeting with my sponsor to put things into perspective. I'm so glad I did. 

Thank God, today, just before my anniversary, the scale reads 299!!! I am 165lbs lighter than a year ago. No surgeries, only lots of grace, therapy, support, tracking food, and hitting the gym, swimming, climbing mountains, running 5k's, spinning, and yes, swinging on the trapeze!!!